Business idea - investors wanted

I am going to start up a tech company which redesigns and rebrands existing technology for old people. Remote controls, USB sticks, microwaves, all with big buttons and minimal functionality for people who are either nervous about technology or routinely puzzled by it.

My company will be called 'FANDANGLED'.

I called it first.

I'm going to need money and staff to redesign cheap techie stuff so that your Gran will be able to use it and and confidently say "I've got one of those new Fandangled microwaves!"

Now hiring.

If it makes you feel icky, it worked.

I should start up my own one-man advertising company. I will not stop at distasteful slogans, no!
Behold the Active Bodies Physiotherapy television advertising campaign!

Do my work for me!

A very dear friend of mine runs a physiotherapy practice and, as I ply him for free physio, he has returned the compliment and asked me for advice concerning a catchy slogan for some advertising. And when he says "advice" I assume he means "finished products", just as when I take another sip of beer and casually begin a conversation regarding any kind physiological problem I may or may not be experiencing, I actually just want a really good back rub.
So, not wanting to put my bush under light (or however that saying goes) I will be airing out my best ideas here and asking you, my five loyal readers to tell me (and him) which one is the best:

• Don't get punched by any old donkey. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Active Bodies Physiotherapy. We knead your meat.
• For easy movement, Active Bodies Physiotherapy. Like nine litres of prune juice.
• To crack back into the pack or just crack your back, back a cracker back-cracker. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• If it ain't broke ... get it checked up anyway at Active Bodies Physiotherapy. (If it is broke, get a referral from the emergency department).
  
• Back straight! Shoulders back! Good girl. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Can't touch your toes? Active Bodies Physiotherapy. Or a lucky parole hearing.
• 10 reps. 4 sets. 3 muscle groups. 5 machines. Active Bodies Physiotherapy doesn't lose count.
• Lucky shirt, lucky protein, lucky bottle, lucky routine. Active Bodies Physiotherapy: the sensible alternative to poetry-based health and fitness.
• Are you still whinging about your shoulder? Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Sore wrist, eh? Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Active Bodies Physiotherapy. We won't laugh.
  
• You look tense. Have a seat. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Active Bodies Physiotherapy. We'll squeeze that little knot until it hurts like hell.
• You bring your body, we'll bring the instructions. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Active Bodies Physiotherapy. I had no idea it was that stiff.
• No magnets. No mirrors. Some rubbing. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Active Bodies Physiotherapy. Because it shouldn't hurt like that.
• Get the movement you need. Without the fibre. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Active Bodies Physiotherapy. We're not just for wussy footballers.
• Get it popped right back in. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Active Bodies Physiotherapy. We can be very manipulative.
• Active Bodies Physiotherapy. This won't hurt a bit.
• Your movement is our message. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.
• Get a good rub and tug. Active Bodies Physiotherapy.

You may be able to tell that it is becoming late and the metaphors have reduced themselves to poo jokes and masturbation gags. Vote accordingly. Or suggest better. Winning suggestion receives a prize.

***
GTH - Adam Y again with the eyebrowing-raising cultural reference. Me like. River gets an encouragement point because I get the feeling she is refusing to have a guess any more just in case someone gets jealous of her massive and formidable score. The photo is, in fact, the tourist information centre in the Redwood forests of Yosemite National Park.

Do you really think I would have asked for a 12-inch pianist?

Team Franzy: Another cry for help. I am compiling a joke book for children 12 and under. I require 300 (yes, three HUNDRED) suitable jokes. Having looked through much of the literature surrounding the topic (ie. my old joke books) I have discovered that 12-year-olds don't really have a lot of jokes published in them with swearing, sexual references or whimsy based around various moral and ethical crimes. These are the only jokes that my brain seems to retain. Observe:

What's Salmon Rushdie's next book going to be called?
Buddha, You Fat Fuck!

The others I can't even bear to type out (however, meet me in person and I will regale you with them all! The 28-year-old joke, the sushi joke, the baby jokes and the famous Feminist Light Bulb zinger!)

So, I call to you, dearest readers, friends and weirdos coming across this page by entering "what is anchovies fishthesis proposal" and "marbles tombolla" into various search engines, tell me your jokes. Tell me them all. Dredge your memories and drill your dads. The best joke will win a copy of the joke book when/if it gets published (looking good at this stage).

***

GTH - River steals the point from Jono with the beautiful (and well-guessed) metaphor for my painful yoking to the desk of research. Neil gets a raised eyebrow for the hairy nipple/lumpy breast.
The photo is of me (of course) on holiday in Cairns. It was taken about an hour or so after a long Blue Bottle jellyfish tentacle wrapped itself around my neck while I was snorkelling. THE single most painful experience of my life. Flaming razor-blades across the throat most accurately describes the sensation. But I would still take that over a year of stressing out about my proposal. There's no steroid cream for the research heeby-jeebies.