I don't care if it IS an OH&S issue

if I come into the lunchroom and there are bowls, cups, spoons, food containers or coffee plungers sitting in the sink, soaking in cold water, grease and cabbage, I will assume that, because they are in the sink (o ye crucible of cleansing!), they are all clean and washed up and only in need of neat stacking on the drying rack, which I am more than happy to do for you.

Parenting:

Have you touched poo today?

Dear Dan, Please code ...

... a Facebook app that lifts your workplace's website layout and transfers all of your time-wasting garbage into a page which, at a glance from your workmates or boss, looks exactly as though you were just checking the company's homepage. ©

Franzy's stats indicate that...

... if an arsehole in a wallowy, neutered, gone-to-fat-but-still-taking-up-space four-wheel-drive cuts you off, doesn't let you in or runs over your dog because they were too busy rubbing their nipples with fluffy tufts of cotton wool teased from the padding with which they surround their brains and souls, they are 95% more likely to be driving a Toyota Kluger.

Your love is like a yiros:

Thick, meaty and dripping yogurt sauce.

DuSSSty Extra

And almost a year later, the Being of Earth reached Sydney from the Hay Plane where it had been washing travellers with the dust of the ages.

Why does inspiration arrive on the toilet and depart with the wiping of your hands?

It's a gift for a worthy foe ...

Yes, name your condom after a people famous for constructing a massive, sturdy symbol of masculinity, but did it have to be the same folks who were famous for tricking everybody into bringing that gargantuan totem inside, only for it to break open, spilling out death, destruction and Brad Pitt?

How can I tell that this isn't some elaborate piece of crappy performance art; The Truman Show, but with a busker's hat?

1000 words

Don't tell a new parent what they should do, you idiot.

When people ask how I was raised, I tell them "Sociologist Circus Freak".

She knows my music tastes so well that she can direct me to any and every cheap, ring-tone-friendly, auto-tuned knock off I'm sure to love.

So, I assume that because you're crossing the picket line and working, you'll be passing on all the extra pay you receive as a result of the industrial action to the union?

You know you're tragically old when ...

... you reminisce, without irony, about the soft, sweet grunting of a 5 ¼ inch floppy drive because you have actually owned computers that had them.

Just fucking wait until I'm out of the lift before you try to squeeze in, you bonehead.

The more silent you are trying to be after everyone else has gone to bed, the more steel pots will slip out of your hands while you're doing the dishes.

He will probably say his first word while I'm at work.

You can't possibly imagine the embarrassment and contempt I feel for the twenty-one year old me who didn't have the dignity, the restraint and self-confidence not to unsheathe a big, rubbery exclamation mark at the end of just about every significant sentence I ever tried to have published, like a plaid-clad comedian demonstrating when the punchline has occurred in a routine about bitchy mother-in-laws and poor-quality airline food by slapping a brass gong with a dildo.

SSS EXtra!

I'm 16, I'm sailing the world, I'm getting my pins out!