Monday, April 14, 2008

Irony at its most beautiful is terrifying

On our ill-fated and extremely expensive trip to Queensland I bought a couple of t-shirts from the famous Eumundi Markets. They weren't bought for style (although they did come in a delightful shade of blue) so much as for their value to society. Mine declares, in large capital letters "MEAT IS MURDER", then below, in a smaller tasteful italic lower case, "Delicious, tasty murder". The double takes I get while wearing it are wonderfully heart-warming. Especially from vegetarians. And I always know exactly who they are - the expressions of comradely admiration they beam upon me after reading the first line always melt into impotent humourless scowling when they have finished reading the second. As you can imagine, a man who dines on pig-nipple sauce is apt to find this as satisfying as the sound of crunchy cracklin' fresh from the spit.

The other t-shirt I gave to my father, for it was infinitely more appropriate.
What does his have on it?
Well, I'm not just talking about them for nothing - I have an anecdote to recount of Dad's trip to the market this morning:
He sets off, dressed in a stylish suede jacket and underneath it, his t-shirt.
He's going to meet a friend for coffee and to do some shopping, but he turns up early and his friend isn't at Lucia's yet. No problem, thinks Dad, and he decides to go to the health food store first - get himself some bran. He makes his way to the health food store and circles its aisles a few times to find the bran bin because there are no staff around to point it out for him - they're probably out the back thinking up ways to combat that wicked "Delicious, tasty murder" t-shirt. At last he finds the bran bin, scoops himself a few scoops and straightens up to discover a young man standing right next to him. The young man is dressed in long denim shorts, pulled up socks, t-shirt and pe
aked cap.
"CnIvvrrlkwhtyrt-shirt?" mumbles the young man.
"What?" asks Dad.
"Can I see your t-shirt?" he asks again, pointing at Dad's t-shirt, which is partially obscured by his jacket.
"Oh," says Dad. "Sure."

The guy's jaw drops. He's speechless. He coughs.
"He gave his blood for you!" exclaims the guy.
"No he didn't,' replies Dad, glancing around the store.
"He did!" retorts the young man. "He gave his blood for you!"
"No. He didn't," says Dad, calmly wondering how Chuck Norris would best employ a bran scoop in this situation. "It'll be okay, just increase your medication."
With that, the antisartorial evangelist turns heel and flees the health food store, proving that
A) Religion in the wrong hands is a scary thing, and
B) Jesus does not respond to t-shirts.

GTH - The points go to River for her multitude of goodbyes. Not for actually saying goodbye because it's the internet and no one actually leaves, least of all me, but for relating it back to my earlier post about languages. I'm sure I said that flattery would score points somewhere.


  1. ABsolutely CLASSIC t-shirts - I want to buy them both. (I had an old one which says 'Diets Stink' and plans to do one that says 'Jesus Loves you....but only as a friend" as well).

    Good on yer Dad for wearing his!

  2. I have a friend whose two favourite t-shirts were the 'fore-mentioned Jesus and a Tommy Buttfucker, the latter one was favoured until some bodybuilding cafe patron threatened him with bodily harm unless he 'took it off or fucked off'.
    He fucked off, discretion better part and all that, and took to only wearing the Jesus shirt - which now apparently also evokes threats of violence.

  3. I was going to mention irony, but i always get it wrong. 'you know, it's when something is ironic.'

  4. Wasn't grovelling for points, but thank you anyway.
    My daughter would appreciate the Meat is Murder t-shirt, she herself has several t-shirts the mildest of which is probably Give Me My Coffee and No-One Gets Hurt.

  5. I still like my "We Stare Because We Care" Breast Cancer Charity T-Shirt.
    Gold Jerry, GOLD!!!

    PS, Trophy for Best T-Shirt collection EVER should go to BROCKY (a.k.a. Catchwa)


An explanation of The Joy Division Litmus Test

Although it may now be lost in the mysts of thyme, the poll below is still relevant to this blog. In the winter of 2008, Mele and I went to live in Queensland. In order to survive, I bluffed my way into a job at a Coffee Club.
It was quite a reasonable place to work: the hours were regular, the staff were quite nice, it wasn't particularly taxing on my brain.
There were a few downsides: In the six weeks or so that I worked there, there was about a 90% staff turnover (contributed to by my leaving). This wasn't seen as a result of the low pay, the laughability of staff prices or the practice of not distributing tips to staff, rather it was blamed on the lack of work ethic among Bribie Island's youth.
However, one of the stranger aspects of the cultural isolation that touched our lives during our time "up there" was the fact that nobody at my work had heard of the band Joy Division.
The full explanation is available here.
But please, interact a little further and vote in my ongoing poll. The results are slowly mounting up, proving one thing: people read this blog are more well-informed about Joy Division than anyone who works at the Coffee Club on Bribie Island.

Have you heard of the band Joy Division?

Chinese food, not Chinese Internet!

Champions of Guess The Header

  • What is Guess The Header about? Let’s ask regular “Writing” reader, Shippy: "Anyway, after Franzy's stunning September, and having a crack at 'Guess The Header' for the first time - without truly knowing what I was doing mind you - I think I finally understand what 'GTH' is all about. At first I thought you needed to actually know what it was. Don't get me wrong — if you know what it is, it may help you. I now realise that it's more Franzy's way of invoking thought around an image or, more often than not, part of an image. If you dissect slightly the GTH explanatory sentence at the bottom of his blog you come up with this: “The photo is always taken by me and always connects in some way to the topic of the blog entry it heads up.” When the header is put up, the blog below it will in some obscure way have something to do with it. “Interesting comments are judged and scored arbitrarily and the process is open to corruption and bribery with all correspondence being entered into after the fact and on into eternity, ad infinitum amen.” Franzy judges it, but it's not always the GTH that describes the place perfectly that gets it. “The frequent commenters, the wits, the wags and the outright smartarses who, each entry, engage to both guess the origin and relevance of the strip of photo at the top (or “head”) of each new blog and also who leave what I deem the most interesting comment.” It generally helps if you're a complete smartarse and can twist things to mean whatever you feel they should mean - exactly the way Franzy would like things to be twisted." - Shippy Blogger and GTH point scorer.
  • Nai - 1
  • Lion Kinsman - 2
  • Will - 2
  • Brocky - 2
  • Andy Pants - 2
  • The 327th Male - 3
  • Mad Cat Lady - 3
  • Miles McClagen - 4
  • Myninjacockle - 4
  • Asheligh - 5
  • Neil - 5
  • Third Cat - 5
  • Adam Y - 6
  • Squib - 6
  • Mele - 6
  • Moifey - 7
  • Jono - 8
  • The Other, other Sam - 14
  • Kath Lockett - 15
  • Shippy - 19
  • River - 32