Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Train them to hunt native species?

You're out walking with your family of an evening. Strolling, I believe it's known as. In a small tree you discover not one but two adorable little kittens. No collars. No microchips. Cowering, frightened, hungry. You pick them up, tuck them into your t-shirt and knock on a few doors around the place.
No-one wants to know. Some people clearly decide that a young male with a hill-billy pube-beard and a stained shirt brandishing two stray kittens on their porch at twilight is significant cause for alarm. (One accupant speaks in such a terrified, yet condescending tone that it becomes apparent that he has come across this sort of two-penny ruse before, out in the colonies.)
One family does want to know. They have two little girls who are just as wide-eyed and adorable as the kittens. They want to know big time. Their dad ushers you out the front gate. You are back where you started, but with a shirt full of adorable kittens.
Your wife is very allergic to cats.
Do you:

a) Take them home, put them in a nice dry little box in the shed and turn them into outside cats who stop the birds from savaging the apricots, grapes and other crops.
b) Take them home, call the RSPCA, take them there in the morning (45 minute drive for interstate readers) and wave them goodbye, imagining all the pretty little girls who will be getting a pretty kitty for Chrissy.
c) Take them home, pose them in a series of adorable photos and plaster the neighbourhood with posters containing vague references to euthanasia and a pre-Xmas deadline.
d) Leave them in the tree, but bring them some food and whistfully watch them eat while clutching a handkerchief and trying not to imagine anything Dickensian.
e) Leave them in the tree. Drink whisky as the rain comes down.
f) Put them in someone's letterbox.


  1. g) put them in a sack and throw them off a pier?

  2. realisticly I would do a
    if i were strong b

    i think c would be awesome - particularly if you put them in little hats

  3. How did you know they had no microchips? Do you always keep a RFID scanner handy on your jaunts?

  4. kiki - h) Find them a new home while reanimating an antiquated word meaning/dad joke: Catapult.

    MCL - On the poster you could say they were named Robert and Kristen. Your phone would ring off tha hook.

    DK - No, but I used my broad knowledge of cats and body modifications to ascertain that they didn't have those little green tats they give to desexed cats and hence probably hadn't been in touch with a vet. Elementary, my dear Kinsman.

  5. C. Of course it's C. Use B only as a last resort. Don't try D. If you bring them food they will follow you home and be yours forever. If I were allowed pets I would have them in an instant. What colour are they?

  6. h) give them to my sister and her neighbour - the crazy cat lady (she's not actually crazy, but when I'm chatting to her I joke about calling her that) - you'd understand if you met her.

    realistically, c), b), in that order. But I know how much you despise driving your car as it's not the honda civic it once was; so I'm guessing you didn't do b).

    i) sell them on ebay..?

    j) give them to Mr and Mrs Murphy down the road.

    k) called the producers of survivor?

    l) Post up adoption adverts at work - I know someone there will take them, right..?

  7. where I live:

    m) sell them for crab bait
    n) feed them live to pet snakes

  8. River - They can't follow you home if you drive off really quickly!!

    Kath - And ruin my fun? Soon ... soon ...

    Shippy - I actually recounted this situation at work yesterday and of course all the women there were instantly in favour of taking them. Should have thought of it earlier ...

    MCL - So you're not Mad For Cat Lady, so much as Mad At Cats Lady.

  9. Crab bait - really?

    Franzy, sorry mate, but had you called I would have given you the advice - take them to work. It's like putting lemons on the table in the lunchroom, they may not go straight away, but eventually someone will think they look lonely and take them home... to cut up and drink...

  10. If it's e), at least ring the RSPCA to collect them. Please.


An explanation of The Joy Division Litmus Test

Although it may now be lost in the mysts of thyme, the poll below is still relevant to this blog. In the winter of 2008, Mele and I went to live in Queensland. In order to survive, I bluffed my way into a job at a Coffee Club.
It was quite a reasonable place to work: the hours were regular, the staff were quite nice, it wasn't particularly taxing on my brain.
There were a few downsides: In the six weeks or so that I worked there, there was about a 90% staff turnover (contributed to by my leaving). This wasn't seen as a result of the low pay, the laughability of staff prices or the practice of not distributing tips to staff, rather it was blamed on the lack of work ethic among Bribie Island's youth.
However, one of the stranger aspects of the cultural isolation that touched our lives during our time "up there" was the fact that nobody at my work had heard of the band Joy Division.
The full explanation is available here.
But please, interact a little further and vote in my ongoing poll. The results are slowly mounting up, proving one thing: people read this blog are more well-informed about Joy Division than anyone who works at the Coffee Club on Bribie Island.

Have you heard of the band Joy Division?

Chinese food, not Chinese Internet!

Champions of Guess The Header

  • What is Guess The Header about? Let’s ask regular “Writing” reader, Shippy: "Anyway, after Franzy's stunning September, and having a crack at 'Guess The Header' for the first time - without truly knowing what I was doing mind you - I think I finally understand what 'GTH' is all about. At first I thought you needed to actually know what it was. Don't get me wrong — if you know what it is, it may help you. I now realise that it's more Franzy's way of invoking thought around an image or, more often than not, part of an image. If you dissect slightly the GTH explanatory sentence at the bottom of his blog you come up with this: “The photo is always taken by me and always connects in some way to the topic of the blog entry it heads up.” When the header is put up, the blog below it will in some obscure way have something to do with it. “Interesting comments are judged and scored arbitrarily and the process is open to corruption and bribery with all correspondence being entered into after the fact and on into eternity, ad infinitum amen.” Franzy judges it, but it's not always the GTH that describes the place perfectly that gets it. “The frequent commenters, the wits, the wags and the outright smartarses who, each entry, engage to both guess the origin and relevance of the strip of photo at the top (or “head”) of each new blog and also who leave what I deem the most interesting comment.” It generally helps if you're a complete smartarse and can twist things to mean whatever you feel they should mean - exactly the way Franzy would like things to be twisted." - Shippy Blogger and GTH point scorer.
  • Nai - 1
  • Lion Kinsman - 2
  • Will - 2
  • Brocky - 2
  • Andy Pants - 2
  • The 327th Male - 3
  • Mad Cat Lady - 3
  • Miles McClagen - 4
  • Myninjacockle - 4
  • Asheligh - 5
  • Neil - 5
  • Third Cat - 5
  • Adam Y - 6
  • Squib - 6
  • Mele - 6
  • Moifey - 7
  • Jono - 8
  • The Other, other Sam - 14
  • Kath Lockett - 15
  • Shippy - 19
  • River - 32