Sunday, June 22, 2008

Reasons Greetings

Hold on tight, sweetheart. It's going to be a quickie.

Finally, after weeks if writing, fishing, riding bikes and gazing contemplatively at sunsets, I think we've finally settling ourselves down in Bribie Island. A bit. The reason you are reading this is because I've treated myself to an HOUR of internet down at the local library instead of the half and hour dash we tend to get into because of guilt and the increasing desire to save cash. The reason I'm on for an hour is because I've spent a good deal of it checking out internet plans. I've narrowed it down to two companies: Chariot appears more reliable but gives less Gigaboobies, but aaNet provides 50% more wunzenzeros and around 75% more posts on its message boards decrying it as The. Worst. ISP. Ever. For slightly cheaper. Hmm.

Whatever happens, rest assured that I will soon be downloading TV shows and blogging every half an hour with panicked recountings of how true heavy the fracking rain falls around here. In all seriousness, Mele and I actually stood at the front door gazing at the car with furrowed brows, wondering if we should move the car inside to stop it from washing away. That's South Australians for you.

The reason I am even able to consider going on an internet plan is because (drum roll please) ... I have a job. High five? High five?

You're probably right to leave me hanging there because it's not exactly a job filled with honour and career opportunity as the previous ones I've had have been. I'm making coffees at CC on Bribie. I sent in a wanky application letter and they hired me. Even after I went in there and marvelled at the modern technology like pressure gauges and thermometers that go with today's modern coffee bistro. Back in The Day when I used to make coffees for bushwalkers at Eagle On The Hill (now defunct) I used to make it so it looked right and re-make it if anyone complained very very loudly. Apparently feeling how hot the milk needs to be with your finger doesn't really fly in the big leagues. Nonetheless, I start on Thursday.

I almost didn't. In a shocking display of tact and restraint I neglected to ask if 'brewster' was The CC's corporatised version of the very specialised, professional ethnic-sounding title 'barista'. When everyone I met at the place on my training day referred to me as working as the new 'brewster', I felt that this was certain and was about to ask why they didn't just call it 'barista', like the rest of the world. Only a small voice stopped me. The small voice said:

'It's their accents, you over-educated South Australian nonce. They are saying "barista". You're not in fucking Kansas any more.'


So, I start on Thursday. If you're in Bribie, don't come and have a coffee for a few weeks until I've gotten out of the habit of sticking my finger in the milk jug to see if it's just right.


  1. Congratulations on leaving the ranks of the unemployed Sam. Just yesterday i though of your work history (the little I know of it) when I came across a couple of young men dressed in gigantic, bright yellow sumo wrestler suits bouncing up and down on each other while another young man in a jester's hat called out a running commentary. Good, God, I thought, is that what it looks like? (These weren't children, though, as I think your clients were.)

  2. High five! Congrats on the job and impending internetification.

    P.S. "frack"? BSG poseur, I know you don't watch it.

  3. Best of luck Franzy. If all else fails, just duck behind the counter of the Coffee Club and hawk up your sinuses - it'll at least *sound* as though you're making an authentic coffee.

    And keep up this blog - I love reading your stuff!

  4. Good to hear your on the caffine up and up.
    GTH: looks like the one and only way in and out of Bribie without getting your feet wet. We shall be crossing it in the Subaru around July 11th ish.

  5. Nice bridge shot in your header. Is that a couple of distance-shrouded ships on the far side of the bridge?
    Definitely a high five on the job aquisition. High five, low five, mid five, baby five, heck, have as many fives as you want. Do you also make hot chocolates or is the establishment a coffee only?
    How is the lovely Mele? Is the climate there more comfortable for her?

  6. Ah, the Adelaide accent strikes again...
    Never ceases to amaze me! And it amazes me weekly...
    Just last week a woman from Melbourne that I was talking to, down at my local, asked me where I was from in England. Hmm, she was from VIC, so maybe I should say that she "aksed" me...?

    Congrats with the Job!!
    By the way, BSG? WTF?

  7. Yay, you're a drug dealer... albeit a socially acceptable one.

    You'll be able to say things like 'Dave's not here'.

    You are not your job... just what you can steal from it.

  8. Oh, god. I just typed BSG into Google...

    ...Now i feel dirty.

    PS: The swearing is handled in a far cooler way in Firefly!


  9. Jono - That's exactly what it looks like and I did do a lot of adult parties, which no doubt prepared me for a career in nightclub security ...

    327 - "frack"? BSG? How can I pose if I haven't watched it?

    Kath - When all else fails I do actually hock up into the coffee. Don't think it doesn't happen.

    Murph - See phone call for reference.

    TOoS - I think you'll find it's "arksed"
    River - Negative on the distant ships and word to both of our muthas for the spritely high five.

    Adam - Trust me, I'm only a good connection away from being a rich drug dealer, then - fuck the coffees!

    Mattie S - Thanks fellow rhino - it sure is on the road!


An explanation of The Joy Division Litmus Test

Although it may now be lost in the mysts of thyme, the poll below is still relevant to this blog. In the winter of 2008, Mele and I went to live in Queensland. In order to survive, I bluffed my way into a job at a Coffee Club.
It was quite a reasonable place to work: the hours were regular, the staff were quite nice, it wasn't particularly taxing on my brain.
There were a few downsides: In the six weeks or so that I worked there, there was about a 90% staff turnover (contributed to by my leaving). This wasn't seen as a result of the low pay, the laughability of staff prices or the practice of not distributing tips to staff, rather it was blamed on the lack of work ethic among Bribie Island's youth.
However, one of the stranger aspects of the cultural isolation that touched our lives during our time "up there" was the fact that nobody at my work had heard of the band Joy Division.
The full explanation is available here.
But please, interact a little further and vote in my ongoing poll. The results are slowly mounting up, proving one thing: people read this blog are more well-informed about Joy Division than anyone who works at the Coffee Club on Bribie Island.

Have you heard of the band Joy Division?

Chinese food, not Chinese Internet!

Champions of Guess The Header

  • What is Guess The Header about? Let’s ask regular “Writing” reader, Shippy: "Anyway, after Franzy's stunning September, and having a crack at 'Guess The Header' for the first time - without truly knowing what I was doing mind you - I think I finally understand what 'GTH' is all about. At first I thought you needed to actually know what it was. Don't get me wrong — if you know what it is, it may help you. I now realise that it's more Franzy's way of invoking thought around an image or, more often than not, part of an image. If you dissect slightly the GTH explanatory sentence at the bottom of his blog you come up with this: “The photo is always taken by me and always connects in some way to the topic of the blog entry it heads up.” When the header is put up, the blog below it will in some obscure way have something to do with it. “Interesting comments are judged and scored arbitrarily and the process is open to corruption and bribery with all correspondence being entered into after the fact and on into eternity, ad infinitum amen.” Franzy judges it, but it's not always the GTH that describes the place perfectly that gets it. “The frequent commenters, the wits, the wags and the outright smartarses who, each entry, engage to both guess the origin and relevance of the strip of photo at the top (or “head”) of each new blog and also who leave what I deem the most interesting comment.” It generally helps if you're a complete smartarse and can twist things to mean whatever you feel they should mean - exactly the way Franzy would like things to be twisted." - Shippy Blogger and GTH point scorer.
  • Nai - 1
  • Lion Kinsman - 2
  • Will - 2
  • Brocky - 2
  • Andy Pants - 2
  • The 327th Male - 3
  • Mad Cat Lady - 3
  • Miles McClagen - 4
  • Myninjacockle - 4
  • Asheligh - 5
  • Neil - 5
  • Third Cat - 5
  • Adam Y - 6
  • Squib - 6
  • Mele - 6
  • Moifey - 7
  • Jono - 8
  • The Other, other Sam - 14
  • Kath Lockett - 15
  • Shippy - 19
  • River - 32