I find it pretty difficult to become too upset about these foolish fools, partly because abortion isn't a controversial issue for me, but mostly because women like Audrey and Colleen Hartland are already out there, fighting the good fight with more heart and information than I'll ever have.
But one aspect of the pro-choice camp gives me pause every time I hear it. Not until it was articulated by Audrey, an then reiterated by a commenter, Lycanthrope, on Audrey's latest post, that I figured out what troubles me about the whole debate.
"We men will never know the dread of unwanted pregnancy, nor the confusion or gut wrenching decisions surrounding the choice of whether to terminate the pregnancy or not."
True, we don't, and never will, have the physical experience of unwanted pregnancy (and, by all accounts, will never want to either). But I think men do have a huge fear of unwanted pregnancy in our sexual partners, precisely because the decision is out of our hands.
Once a sexual partner (one-night-stand or loved wife) announces she is pregnant we have two outcomes and two choices from each.
1. She decides to terminate the pregnancy. The man's two options are:
A. Relief. He didn't want to be a father at that stage in his life and he's glad the woman made the right decision for herself and for him too.
B. Grief. He believes abortion is wrong wrong wrong. He ruins his own life and perhaps the woman's with guilt and rage. No way would he have offered to raise the child himself, but he will never again be able to stand by his heartfelt beliefs about abortion, women's bodies, sexuality, life and religion ever again because he helped kill a child.
2. She decides to keep the baby. This is where it becomes interesting. The man's two options are:
A. Terror. He doesn't want to be a father. He wants no part of the life he helped create and because of this he is either going to honour his minimal legal obligation of financial support for the next 18 years or become a slimy criminal, dodging responsibility and any semblance of true manhood for the rest of the child's life. He will have to get used to the fact that someone who could and should love him as their dad will probably either outright despise him or at least feel troubled about his existence and maybe relationships in general for their entire lives.
B. Resignation. He tries his hardest to be a good father - supportive, caring, attentive and present. But it's not how he pictured it, especially if his relationship with the woman doesn't last. He always wanted any offspring he had having two loving parents who were there for them; not one who wanted them, despite the feelings of the other, who didn't, but made the best of it anyway because he didn't have a choice.
Those are a man's options for an unwanted pregnancy when contraception fails.
I'm not attempting to make a case for letting men have a say in abortions.
I will never be convinced that abortion is anything other than the woman's choice alone.
I'd just like to think out the man's side of the abortion story, because how are we to be men if we don't talk with and understand women? Lots of the pain listed above could have been avoided if the man had talked with the woman before having sex, because if a man is to have any self-respect he will take responsibility.
And now, to lighten the mood somewhat, or completely ruin it all together, an old favourite from the slightly-misleadingly-titled Sinfest.
Franzy, what a great post.
ReplyDelete"I'd just like to think out the man's side of the abortion story, because how are we to be men if we don't talk with and understand women?"
I appreciate that a man's position can often seem irrelevant when it comes to abortion and in my own small way I don't make that any easier by writing enraged posts telling them to back off.
I do think though that there's a big difference between having reservations/wondering about where you fit in/feeling grief and so forth and getting up on a moral high horse to tell women that not only is their choice wrong but that somehow they are deficient in humanity.
Unfortunately it's true that some men are 'trapped' into raising children they didn't want because they don't have a say in the abortion process. But I'd wager that the numbers of men who are told to suck it up because they knew the consequences of sex etc etc etc are still far smaller than the numbers of women whose sexual activity is condemned because they chose abortion.
Great post though xo
hmmm... i don't necessarily think that abortion is a woman's choice alone. the opinion of the 'father' can be taken into consideration when making the decision, but i see your point and yes, the decision ultimately does lie with the pregnant woman. though in saying that, i do think the bloke in question is entitled to an opinion... but yeah, it's tricky cause i guess if he has too much of an opinion, he's gonna get a smackdown.
ReplyDeleteAudrey - Ah! Thank you! I totally agree that the difference of experiencing an unwanted pregnancy between a man and a woman is vast and not traversable. I don't think your posts telling opinionated men trying to control women's bodies to piss off make it any harder for men to have their own feelings about the pregnancy they've helped create/cause/make.
ReplyDeleteI just more wanted to articulate further what a man feels when an unwanted pregnancy shows up and show that if he wants to continue feeling like a real man that it's not all sunshine, roses and getting to tell the woman exactly how she should run her body. There's genuine dread and fear. I'm not comparing it to or rating it alongside a woman's experience of it, but it does exist, and part of that fear is based in his powerlessness in the situation. I'm not saying boo-hoo for new daddy, what I am saying is that not only is contraception a man's responsibility if he doesn't want to get a girl pregnant, but so is further communication about exactly what and how the consequences of what he's doing if he wants to avoid sitting around chewing his nails and wondering if his life's about to change forever with zero he can do about it.
And you're right, there probably aren't too many of these guys around, but it's still something interesting to me and worth a little blog now and then.
Mars - Yes, I suppose in an ideal situation the decision to abort would take into account the father's feelings on the matter - who wants to raise a child whose father didn't want them, etc etc. But there's a big fat line between the feelings of the father and any old random bloke not involved at all shouting from the steeple or letters page that all pregnant woman HAVE to sacrifice their lives because it's the god honest thing to do. That feller deserves a smackdown.
"what I am saying is that not only is contraception a man's responsibility if he doesn't want to get a girl pregnant"
ReplyDeletemake that "if he doesn't want to get a woman pregnant" and I completely agree with you.
I got pregnant age 19 which resulted in me being a mother at the age of 20. Obviously now I have that child I can't in retrospect say I regret what I did. I do wonder how I was so stupid though
ReplyDeleteThat same child who is now 14 was telling me yesterday about the health ed shows they watch at school. 'And then he put a leech on his arm and it sucked blood from his arm like for ten minutes and he said the leech was just like an embryo, it was soooooooooooo gross!'
lol
Anyway what am I saying...I don't know but certainly well done to those people who are pro-choice and really sometimes it's hard to believe this debate is still going in this day and age
Rebekka - Arg. Zing. I sometimes wonder about the contextual differences between 'girl' and 'woman' when I tend to call teenagers 'young women' and my mum calls her peers 'the girls'. But obviously I don't wonder that often. Blogworthy?
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree that a pregnant female might closer to being a woman than a girl though.
Squib - Have you seen 40 Year Old Virgin? Reminds me of that hi-larious scene where the mother is screaming at her daughter not to have sex before college.
It is an excellent question though, how can you both call having a child at a young age stupid and yet not regret it one tiny bit? And how do you explain that paradox to your kids? Ummmmmm ....
Franzy, this is a great post from you and is most definitely worth more future articles both as a parallel to Audrey and to reflect the male view.
ReplyDeleteI'll add another view - female yes, but long-married. When we decided we wanted to 'try' for a baby, it was the weirdest change for both of us. Since our teens and becoming sexually active (in our own separate spheres/lives/relationships then), becoming pregnant or making a girl/woman/girlfriend pregnant was our biggest fear.
For us, AIDS emerged a bit later, and condoms were seen as being needed for two reasons now, instead of one - no babies, and no dying, to put it shamelessly simply.
However when we were open to the idea of seeing if we could make a little person, we were both so confused - it felt so naughty and irresponsible and was literally reversing the behaviour of about fifteen years.
When the great news arrived and the wee on three sticks revealed that yes, a tiny little pink prawn was growing inside of me, we still had that fear. Even when it is wanted, dreamed about and the sheer amazement of what the body can do sinks in, it remains terrifying.
Abortion, adoption, early-parenthood, single parent hood, planned parent hood, surprise older parent hood. It's all f**king terrifying and there's guilt, confusion and choices being made from all sides.
Not sure what my point was now....
I haven't seen 40 Year Old Virgin no
ReplyDeleteBut my 14 year old said she is 'scarred for life' as the health ed show also featured people 'doing it' and the man with the leech was also holding a petri dish and proudly saying, 'This is my sperm'.
It's put her off for life. Thank goodness for that :)