Monday, August 3, 2009

In case you missed it

I'd like to take a break from my prose-less journey through the life of Tony Smith to express my jaw-swinging flabergastedness at The Age's insistence on skin. I've probably said it before, but it is impossible to look at theage.com.au, without seeing what the medical profession refers to as 'a bit of tit'.


Go ahead, zip over there right now, I'll wait. You are going to see cleveage, side-boob, bikini-stretch or just plain old chestage. Failing that, you'll definitely get a crotch, some thigh or, if the puritans are webmastering, the full-face model pout. But not often. For a news outlet, they certainly don't trust their readers to hang around for news. They have to insert some kind of female skin into the picture, just to be sure you come back.


Take this morning's Lifestyle section image and bear in mind that I haven't doctored it any way.
"What's this?"
"It's this morning's front page image for the Lifestyle section online."
"Hmm. Too subtle."
"Eh?"
"People are going to miss the point. They will drain away from The Age and go and read The Onion or Crikey or something."
"Should I put a title on the picture or something? Let people know it's a fashion show?"
"No. No no no. See this section here?"
"Yeah ..."
"Drag across. Yep. Now enhance. Bigger. That's it. Now closer. Closer. Perfect. Now whack it right here, alongside the original."
"But isn't that a bit ... much? I mean why zoom in on the, uh, 'most important part' if you're going to leave the original there?"
"Are you kidding? We're not smut-merchants! Our readers just want a closer look."
"At this woman's cans."
"You'll go far."
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12 comments:

  1. ShippyMonday, August 3, 2009 at 10:54:00 PM PDT

    And your issue is..?

    ReplyDelete
  2. franzyMonday, August 3, 2009 at 11:49:00 PM PDT

    Well, for one, seeing what kind of Google searches wind up here ...

    I'm getting bit bored with only those looking for "sneaky men fuckers" winding up on my post about the guy on the third date ordering a pineapple juice.

    ReplyDelete
  3. RiverTuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:05:00 AM PDT

    I don't read The Age. Never have. I prefer fiction novels to real news. I'm such a shallow non-caring person.

    ReplyDelete
  4. RiverTuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:10:00 AM PDT

    P.S. I believe those boobs are artificially enhanced. No natural boob has that clearly defined circular outline on the chest wall. (That should bring you a few google searches.)Imagine the model at 75 or 80. Skin sags, silicone lasts forever....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kath LockettTuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:54:00 AM PDT

    Those boobs look less realistic than Michael Jackson's nose!

    ...but wait, that wasn't the point you were making, was it?

    ReplyDelete
  6. franzyTuesday, August 4, 2009 at 3:25:00 AM PDT

    River - Well, you should sit up and take an interest in the world.
    Of boobs.

    Kath - I didn't even notice!

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousTuesday, August 4, 2009 at 5:07:00 AM PDT

    how does the time thingy work on these ,,, or are you all up blogging away in the early AMs? your mother

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousTuesday, August 4, 2009 at 5:08:00 AM PDT

    how does the time thingy work on these ,,, or are you all up blogging away in the early AMs?

    ReplyDelete
  9. ShippyTuesday, August 4, 2009 at 4:24:00 PM PDT

    mmm... Boobs.

    Jacko's nose was fake, but it didn't mean he couldn't sing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. RiverWednesday, August 5, 2009 at 12:36:00 AM PDT

    I should take an interest in the world of boobs???

    ReplyDelete
  11. ChadFriday, August 21, 2009 at 5:44:00 AM PDT

    I just checked the site now and it's definitely some homoerotic AFL action going on. I can't fault your logic.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ashleighSaturday, August 29, 2009 at 6:12:00 AM PDT

    Gets ones attention, dunnit?

    ReplyDelete

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An explanation of The Joy Division Litmus Test

Although it may now be lost in the mysts of thyme, the poll below is still relevant to this blog. In the winter of 2008, Mele and I went to live in Queensland. In order to survive, I bluffed my way into a job at a Coffee Club.
It was quite a reasonable place to work: the hours were regular, the staff were quite nice, it wasn't particularly taxing on my brain.
There were a few downsides: In the six weeks or so that I worked there, there was about a 90% staff turnover (contributed to by my leaving). This wasn't seen as a result of the low pay, the laughability of staff prices or the practice of not distributing tips to staff, rather it was blamed on the lack of work ethic among Bribie Island's youth.
However, one of the stranger aspects of the cultural isolation that touched our lives during our time "up there" was the fact that nobody at my work had heard of the band Joy Division.
The full explanation is available here.
But please, interact a little further and vote in my ongoing poll. The results are slowly mounting up, proving one thing: people read this blog are more well-informed about Joy Division than anyone who works at the Coffee Club on Bribie Island.

Have you heard of the band Joy Division?

Chinese food, not Chinese Internet!

Champions of Guess The Header

  • What is Guess The Header about? Let’s ask regular “Writing” reader, Shippy: "Anyway, after Franzy's stunning September, and having a crack at 'Guess The Header' for the first time - without truly knowing what I was doing mind you - I think I finally understand what 'GTH' is all about. At first I thought you needed to actually know what it was. Don't get me wrong — if you know what it is, it may help you. I now realise that it's more Franzy's way of invoking thought around an image or, more often than not, part of an image. If you dissect slightly the GTH explanatory sentence at the bottom of his blog you come up with this: “The photo is always taken by me and always connects in some way to the topic of the blog entry it heads up.” When the header is put up, the blog below it will in some obscure way have something to do with it. “Interesting comments are judged and scored arbitrarily and the process is open to corruption and bribery with all correspondence being entered into after the fact and on into eternity, ad infinitum amen.” Franzy judges it, but it's not always the GTH that describes the place perfectly that gets it. “The frequent commenters, the wits, the wags and the outright smartarses who, each entry, engage to both guess the origin and relevance of the strip of photo at the top (or “head”) of each new blog and also who leave what I deem the most interesting comment.” It generally helps if you're a complete smartarse and can twist things to mean whatever you feel they should mean - exactly the way Franzy would like things to be twisted." - Shippy Blogger and GTH point scorer.
  • Nai - 1
  • Lion Kinsman - 2
  • Will - 2
  • Brocky - 2
  • Andy Pants - 2
  • The 327th Male - 3
  • Mad Cat Lady - 3
  • Miles McClagen - 4
  • Myninjacockle - 4
  • Asheligh - 5
  • Neil - 5
  • Third Cat - 5
  • Adam Y - 6
  • Squib - 6
  • Mele - 6
  • Moifey - 7
  • Jono - 8
  • The Other, other Sam - 14
  • Kath Lockett - 15
  • Shippy - 19
  • River - 32