If you weren’t in Adelaide this evening, I also need to confirm that it was a balmy summer evening of perfection. Neither too sweaty or breezy. Perfect.
However, someone forgot to organise the festival. I counted three food vendors, including the mooncake shop and the over-priced, over-worked Festival café. The lantern parade was less a spectacle than a school pageant. A somber announcer read out the names of each school and informed the increasingly puzzled 3000 attendees that the children had been making their own lanterns from paper and that some particular schools actually had a few students who were from Asia itself. The undoubtedly excited kiddies paraded around the edge of the park past a parental guard of honour that was just enthusiastic enough to block the view from everyone else. I did mention music. That was also provided by the junior members of local Asian music societies and was, I’m sure, brilliant for people that age.
A few dragon boats with a Chinese lantern fixed to their bows punted up and down, but mixed with the now-incredibly-attractive reflections of the streetlights from War Memorial Drive. When the martial arts demonstration began, Mele and I decided it was high time to high-tail.
I felt particularly sorry for the poor women behind us who defended every inch of their turf from the encroaching crowds. ‘Don’t sit on that jacket please!’ they would politely call. ‘We have seven other people coming!’ Saving festival lawn-space without a blanket is no picnic. Heh. Shameful jokes aside, the bitchy looks they got from every pusher-carrying dad and hamper-toting mum were enough to win a little bit of my respect. And my pity when the seven people finally turned up. They hugged, apologised for being late (the traffic was a nightmare), sat in their long-fortressed area, craned their necks to glimpse through the gloom nothing but the backs of about a hundred proud parents of primary schoolers, declared the event fucked and left.
Jokes ahoy
The little book shall go to Jono for his multitude of number puns. Ever since embarking on this joke book I have come to two theories. 1. There is no clean joke, suitable for children that is not in some way a pun. 2. There is no lower form of joke, gag, whit or humour than the pun. It has often been posited to me that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour, but I am here to tell you now that at least sarcasm has a bit of worldliness about it. The pun, the putting one word in place of another, contains humour surely no more deserving of laughter than putting your gloves on backwards. Since reading a large collection of joke books published for children I believe that I have truly discovered the most depraved forms of humour and whimsy. I am devoid of hope for those who expected to get more laughter out of these jokes than from twisting the stalk from an apple or looking right when crossing the street. Behold:
What has fins and buzzes?
A fish gnat (fish net).
Which bugs should you hire to build your house?
Carpenter ants.
What corn do spiders make?
Cobwebs.
I see why the authors rarely put their names to these joke books. Could I do better? No - this is about as punny as it gets here in Writing.
What did the pun say to the egg?
Is this a yolk?
GTH
The point goes to River for playing on to win and playing creatively at that.
***
Update
My faith is restored! While trawling joke sites for inspiration (read: stuff to plagiarise) I came across this little ripper on a site where all the jokes are submitted only by kids from around the world:
How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
You wanna go ride bikes!?
'Fish gnat': One of my few crystal-clear memories of childhood is of being insulted by the unfunniness of jokes like that. My inner 10 year old thanks you for your commentary, franzy.
ReplyDeleteHow does an angel answer the phone?
ReplyDelete"Halo".
My grandchildren haven't come through with any jokes yet, they're going on holiday tomorrow to Tassie and said they might have some by the time they get back. If not, then sorry,cos I can't remember any that are suitable. I'll ask around.
You used my favourite word!! Whimsy.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye deer)
What do you call a monster with no ears? Anything you want, he can't hear you.
What did one eye say to the other eye? Just between you and me, something smells.
What did one tonsil say to the other? Let's dress up, the doctor's taking us out.
The header would be a moon and a moon lantern with waving arms in between taken at the festival down by the river.
ReplyDeleteMan one: My wife took her holiday in the Caribbean.
Man two: Jamaica?
Man one: No, she wanted to go.
Girl one: Our new neighbours are Irish.
Girl two: Oh really?
Girl one: No O'Reilly
What colour answers the phone?
Yellow.
Pessimist: My glass is half empty.
ReplyDeleteOptimist: My glass is half full.
Detective: Dust that glass for prints and find out who's been drinking my coke.
That ADD joke is brilliant. I'm going to steal it and pass it off as my own at somepoint.
ReplyDeleteAs for 'lo-fi' festivals, take solice in the fact that you weren't roped in to taking part in it.... nothing worse than being associated with a sinking ship.
Opening of a REAL Festival! Fancy inflated balloon/planet thingys from the Adelaide Arts Festival opening night.
ReplyDeleteTwo muffins were in the oven.
ReplyDeleteOne muffin said "gee it's hot in here"
The other muffin said "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"
I've been googling. You probably did too.
ReplyDeleteWhat did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a garage.
How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A buccaneer.
Why did the atoms cross the road?
It was time to split.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?
Stinkerbell.
Where does the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
Phantom of the Oprah.
What do you call a pub on Mars?
The mars bar.
Found a bunch of Redneck jokes too, but they're probably not suitable. You know the ones that go--You might be a redneck if...
You wear a strapless dress with a bra that isn't.
Etc.
River - you're doing great and yes, I think we have been surfing around the same joke sites (they're not too ... diverse, are they?).
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I completed and sent off the final 300 jokes to publisher this morning. You'll be pleased to know that I used (stole) many of the wonderful jokes you suggested - thank you very much!
Fortunately, I am still a fan of jokes, so there will be a joke-related challenge attached to the next blog.
I'm always disappointed by redneck jokes because they are all always from the same Jeff Foxworthy routine. I think it's his trademark or something because he's from the southern US.
I used to watch the Jeff Foxworthy show way back when and that's where I first came across the redneck jokes and I still find them funny, but now there are funnier things to move on to. Pretty much if you've heard one redneck joke you've heard them all sort of thing but good for a giggle now and then.
ReplyDeletespeaking of pirates..........
ReplyDeletewhere's your buccaneers?
On your buccin head.
Neil, that one made me laugh ot loud, startling my husband, henceforth known as L, and he spilled his coffee.
ReplyDelete