Everything is dirty now.

There aren’t enough rotten tomatoes in all of history. There really aren’t. Like all of us, I have suffered painful, wounding experiences in my time. Been witness to some things I would rather have gone without. But Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer was a literal time machine. It robbed me of two hours of existence, stealing them away from me so that at the end of my life, as I hurtle through space, piloting the last star-fighter against the enemy fleet bent on enslaving the human race while I simultaneously write about the experience timeless and whimsically emotional prose, I will think back to this black day and curse that movie for the portion of my life it was able to claim away from me. That’s two more hours I could have spent, doing any of the millions of things that I love more than pointing my eyeballs towards a spectacle like that. That’s two hours I wasn’t enjoying the finer, more joyous activities that my life has to offer, like punching myself in the face, dangling my nuts into a food-processor or licking skittish tarantulas.

This was ground zero, people. There have been other contenders, but the most recent installment of the Fantastic Four franchise was The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen.

What was so bad about it?

Well, dear reader, make a list of all the dozens of facets that make up a movie. For example:

Acting
Script
Plot
Visual Effects
Inter-character relationships
Underlying message
Humour
Emotion
Suspense

Any more? No? Let’s begin with those then:

Acting – The actors may themselves have been talented, but the decision to be in the movie have forever tarnished their careers in my eyes.

Script – “Let’s go for a spin!” was what the cops came up with when they busted the terrorist hideout where the script was being written and found that the writers had been put away for twenty-to-life for crimes against humanity without finishing the catchy tagline a flying bad guy needed just before he ‘spins’ the heroes away from himself.

Plot – (spoiler alert!!!) – It sucked. Feel spoilt? Seriously, I’ve seen sturdier premises at camping grounds. During cyclones.

Visual Effects – I went high and was still more interested in Trent’s score on the solitaire game he was playing on his phone.

Inter-character relationships – They look at and talk to each other. That’s as complex as it gets.

Underlying message – Actually quite difficult to surmise until the final credits. Then it suddenly becomes clear: you are two hours closer to death.

Humour – The funniest joke still wasn’t as funny as flushing nine bucks down the toilet.

Emotion – Utter horror. That was my emotion that such a thing had been allowed to exist.

Suspense – This was supposed to be list detailing my responses to various aspects of the movie and instead it has turned into a scream-fest of regret and pain.

That’s how truly awful Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is. We actually stumbled out of the cinema, unable to meet each other’s gaze, like a bachelor party that wandered into The Wrong Kind of Strip Club. My guess is that no one who went will ever mention this to anybody ever again.

This review is over, but the whole experience was so sinful that there are still two more bombshells I haven’t dropped.

1. We were there for Triton’s birthday (happy birthday buddy!) and
2. We were supposed to see Transformers, but it sold out literally as we fronted up to the counter. We were the late chumps who get the box-office ticket window curtains slammed in their faces.

So … so … painful. Trits – sorry about that. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I got you a great present: my honourable suicide. Kidding.